Dealing with Disappointment

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The Army sometimes feels like a secret society – complete with it’s own language and set of social customs. Conversations are peppered with acronyms like PCS, MOS, OER, and OPSEC.  A few times a year my husband puts on high-waisted pants and toasts the Army. Our guest room closet is filled with Kevlar and other bullet-proof gear. He likes to text me selfies from various military aircraft and he still manages to surprise me with some of his stories, despite having been together for 17 years. We spend significant time apart, we rarely live in a place longer than 2-3 years, and we’ve learned the subtle art of having important family conversations via FaceTime. But for the most part, we enjoy the adventure that my husband’s association with the Army brings to our family.

Over the years, we have encounter a handful of people who have difficulty understanding why we feel it is the in the best interest of our family for Clay to remain ‘in’. And our answer has simply been, “…because the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.” Of course the tangible benefits such as ‘free’ healthcare, a pension, and the GI Bill are considerable but for us – it’s the abstract benefits that have traditionally carried us through the not-so-fun aspects of Army life. The camaraderie, the adventures of living in places we wouldn’t necessarily choose to live ourselves, and the unique experiences that often accompany outside-of-the-box assignments. But what happens when the intangible benefits no longer overshadow the perceived drawbacks?

POST Coffee Bar

Clay took a day of leave earlier this week. We had planned to do something outdoors but the weather forecast teased us with thunderstorms throughout the day – eliminating our desire to go hiking or paddle on the water. So we settled for walking around Tysons Corner after dropping the kids off at school. I wanted to try a highly-rated coffee shop – POST Coffee Bar so we pretended that we weren’t suburban parents in our mid-thirties and did our best to blend in with young professionals and those who wear knit stocking caps in 80-degree weather.

Over coffee and doughnuts we talked about the next few years. We continued the conversation as we browsed winter coats in L.L.Bean and swiped screens at Apple. For the past month, I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that my hopes of a grand overseas adventure for Clay’s next assignment will not be realized. Over the summer, he was given an offer he couldn’t refuse and because we weren’t tracking it as a possibility, it felt a bit like a curve ball. I have no doubt that my husband will knock the assignment out of the park because he is amazing but I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t a little disappointed.

I did my best to explain to Clay that while I am thrilled for him and his professional accomplishments, I need time to grieve the loss of my proverbial carrot, so to speak. In Army folklore, his current position often accompanies a follow-on assignment of choice. So as we dealt with the not-so-fun aspects of his job that disrupted the flow of our lives, I’d been dreaming of Oktoberfest in Munich and wandering around the Christkindlesmarkt in Nuremberg. Right now, I am trying to my best to deal with the disappointment of those dreams not being realized. And for whatever reason, I am not handling it as well as I have handled Army-related disappointment in the past. At a pragmatic level, I realize that his next assignment will be an amazing opportunity. But then there is that side of me that is hardened from the experiences we’ve gone through at the hands of the Army and wants a tangible perk for sacrificing so much over the last 14+ years.

POST_coffee_bar_tysons_corner

I realize that complaining about the opportunity to stay in Washington DC is eye-roll inducing to some. We don’t consider it a bad thing because we really do love living here. But I am disappointed. And that is okay.  However, because I am such a positive person, when I do find myself in a situation where I find it difficult to view the glass as half-full, it feels that much harder to push through to the other side.  Is it because I am getting older? Or perhaps I’ve grown tired of always looking on the bright side? I understand that nothing is guaranteed in this life and the Army certainly doesn’t owe me anything. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have my moments when I want to stomp my feet while shouting, “It’s not fair!” into the void. After all, it’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to. In the meantime, I’ll just have to settle for making my own gluhwein at home and buying bottles of Weihenstephaner at World Market.

10 comments on “Dealing with Disappointment”

  1. I hear you on this in so many ways. I too am naturally a silver lining kind of girl, but the Army certainly challenges this at times. We are currently in one of those curve ball assignments that added an extra PCS to our plan, and I will warn you that as kids get older pulling up roots just gets harder. However, with a few more years of this life under my belt (spouses here are begrudgingly called Senior Spouses- perhaps you can figure out where we are…), my experience is that these things often turn into a blessing in disguise. Previous less desirable locations led to some of my best friendships and sometimes the whole family unwittingly benefits from the reset of a relocation. Allow yourself time to “mourn” your carrot and recognize the other perks that will emerge. I’m reminded here about how truly unique each Army career is. Stomp your feet until you feel better then get right back up on that horse!

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  2. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are allowed to be disappointed, your feelings are valid. I think part of it is that there’s an expectation that spouses will be happy & supportive no matter what. That’s unrealistic and not fair. We are human, we have plans, and it’s hard to accept when those plans, those dreams are not going to be. I also think, there comes a time when it’s the last straw. How many disappointments can we bear? How many times do we plan on something only to have those plans crushed by the powers that be? All those disappointments big & small add up over time; death by a thousand papercuts.

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  3. Hey! You’re human and you’re allowed to feel whatever you want to feel!!! You were looking forward to an overseas adventure and to not have it happen is disappointing!! I’d be disappointed!! Totally stomp your feet and yell it’s not fair. It’s good for the soul. Big hugs, friend.

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