It’s Okay To Not Be Okay Sometimes

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Yesterday was World Mental Health Day. Over the years, the World Health Organization (WHO) has observed today with the goal of raising awareness of mental health issues around the world and mobilizing efforts in support of mental health. Because it was World Mental Health Day, I wanted to publish this post yesterday but I managed to talk myself out it. I’m beginning to think that’s what I do best.

September was a hard month for me. I scratched the surface in my recent post about dealing with disappointment but to be honest, the contents on the ticker tape of thoughts that continuously ran in my head were taking me to a dark place. And there were times that the constant ticking noise becomes overwhelming and impossible to drown out with healthier and more positive thoughts. Tick. Tick. Tick-tick-tick. Tick. During one particular bad episode, I tried to awkwardly explain through tears to my amazing husband about the onslaught of self-loathing thoughts that were coming at me like 65 mph softballs from a machine that I just.couldn’t.turn.off. Not for lack of trying on his part – but I’m not sure he fully understands.

I spent a lot of September inside my own head and crying in the shower. And for the first time – I felt scared that I wouldn’t be able to emerge from inside the batting cage on my own. No matter how hard or fast I managed to swing the bat, I could not make contact with those horrible, negative, and debilitating thoughts. I still have yet to talk to a professional. Probably because I somehow figured out a way to turn off the pitching machine before the month’s end but I know it is only a matter of time before I will find myself putting on my helmet again and reaching for an aluminum bat.

high functioning anxiety

So in honor of World Mental Health Day, I’d like to say, hello. My name is Karen and I am trying to make sense of a life that no longer feels invincible. I spent my twenties believing that a positive attitude was enough and now that I am quite settled into my thirties, I am learning that life is a little more nuanced than I originally thought. I am also learning that is okay to not be okay sometimes.

8 comments on “It’s Okay To Not Be Okay Sometimes”

  1. Karen, first of all, thank you for sharing. I read this after leaving the first meeting of a small group Bible study where I essentially said many of the same things, to ladies who I had just met. While this isn’t the first time I’ve ever found myself “in a funk,” this one feels darker. My analogy (metaphor? I can never remember) was that I feel like I’m in a dirt pit. It’s not so deep that I can’t see the top, but it’s deep enough that I can’t easily climb out. Every so often I’ll make a half hearted attempt, but quickly grow weary and just sit back down. Like you, my positive attitude has brought me through in the past, but it’s not working as well this time. So…here’s to being okay with not being okay sometimes. Sending peace to you.

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    1. Karisa – Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a kind comment. I am sorry that you are going through something similar. I agree – is so frustrating that my positive attitude doesn’t seem to be working this time. And I have no idea why!

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  2. I love your honesty. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry September was a hard month for you. Breaks my heart you spent so much time crying in the shower. Thats a lonely place to be but strangely, also extremely therapeutic. September was a scary month for me as well (due to health reasons, thats are still on going). My anxiety can reach limits that are not good for myself, my kids, or my husband. I have my group of friends that understand anxiety, have gone through it themselves, and can be there for me without any judgement as I ramble off texts to them during dark moments. I’m so thankful for them. I wish I knew more why you are experiencing such self -loathing, so that i could help. Maybe your next post?

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    1. Laura – I am sorry to hear about your medical struggles and anxiety. I am lucky to have similar friends and I have no idea where I’d be without them. xoxo

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  3. I am so sorry that September was a hard month for you. I think too often we are forced into acting like everything is okay. It’s okay to not be okay and I thank you so much for sharing this post. ❤

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